My first encounter with Nolisha was at the “Dear Professor, I Am More” event at Salem State University. I was reviewing the art and writing and was stopped in my tracks by two pieces that were so powerful I couldn’t believe I was standing in a classroom reading them. That evening I received a very brief and kind thank-you email, clearly from one of the students. I googled her name and recognized her face from the two pieces. I asked her if we could meet and from our conversation it was clear she had lived a multitude of lifetimes and was still writing her story. Here are some of her defining moments:

Joint

I knew I was more than the challenges I faced when I seen my biological mother give my brother a hit of her joint and told him to puff and hold it in. She and her friends laughed and watched my 11-year-old brother cough and choke and fall as if it was something humorous to all. But my heart pounded with anger and hate because it made me feel like my brother would grow up to imitate. Even at 12, I knew it was nothing to be a part of because it was an empty life filled with drama and cold nights. I wanted more for my brother, and I wanted more for myself. I didn’t even know what was out there, but whatever it was it had to be better than where I was standing.

Escape Plan

I knew I was more than the challenges I faced when I found myself in New York City on the strip, watching prostitutes lean through car windows and pimps walk in the alleyways with a fake attitude trying to intimidate the same souls they once tried to amaze. I knew because I didn’t fit in. I knew I wasn’t supposed to be there. I had dreams, I had hopes, and I wasn’t about to live my life as if I was some kind of worthless joke. It was my first day, I was forced to be there and I was afraid, but even then my mind was stronger than my fear because it was constantly thinking of an escape route and a plan.

Burning

I knew I was more than the challenges I faced when I was able to fly away when the pain began to burn me at the stake. I would imagine I was a bird flying high above this cold, dark place. It was quiet and warm; it was serene and safe. I could see all the trees and feel the wind from the birds that flew so close to my swollen face. A giggle and a smile within took me away from sin. I found my safe place far away. It’s not easy being able to travel in your mind, but it’s exceptionally resilient to maintain your sanity in the midst of hell, and even as a child I was able to condition myself to travel when my own world was burning like hell.

Time Would Come

I knew I was more than the challenges I faced when you stood before me with that awful smirk on your face. You thought you had me, you thought you won, you thought you destroyed me, and for you it was all fun. But something in me saw right through you. The weakness, the fear, the snitch of your cologne and the hard bristle-like hair that was standing on end inside your nose. Yes, I was looking up at you and maybe that gave you strength, but this also allowed me to see that you were not a real man. Even after the first blow, I couldn’t help but know. See, when you find peace within, the world can crumble around you, but something holds you together, so you don’t give in. It’s like everything went numb, while you yelled, kicked and punched. I sat and covered my heart because I knew my time would come.

Survive

I remember the footsteps from hell, getting closer to my hospital room. The doctor came in and sat in a chair, no real emotion and somewhat cold, looked at my chart and then asked if I tried to kill myself because I was pregnant. At that moment everything stopped. I was in a trance, and I couldn’t hear what the doctor was saying after that, everything was in slow motion and his voice was like a dull smack. Then I came to and asked if the baby would be ok, he replied he couldn’t be sure. Terrified, I slipped away once more, and I heard nothing more. Then I was being discharged and everyone that I never seen or heard from before was in my ear about how I needed to abort because I was a child myself. I struggled and I fought with what everyone wanted. I wondered where all these people were when these men took my childhood away.

Exhausted from life, I sat in a chair, and I looked at my belly and pondered about the fat. I put my hand on my belly and started talking to myself. Of course, I didn’t expect an answer, but I was helping myself think and at that moment I felt what the doctor described later as a flutter. To me it was so much more, it was my baby reaching for me and at that moment I reminded myself that it wasn’t the baby’s fault, and at that moment I made the decision to keep him. When he was born, I was so afraid and at the same time so amazed. He had big brown eyes and broad shoulders, and it wasn’t anything like my doll Shanova. I couldn’t believe he came out of me.

Today he says I saved his life. The truth is, he saved mine, because it wasn’t till the moment I seen his face that I actually wanted to survive.

Finally

I knew I was more than the challenges I faced, when each and every door slammed in my face, but instead of giving up, I started looking for a window I could open up. I could have bowed down and gave in but my battered brain told me there should be a window I could climb in. They say if one door closes another opens, but they don’t say what to do if all the doors close and people refuse to let you in. Well, sometimes you scream, yell, and cry inside until you figure something out.

See, if I was kicked, burned, and punched, then closing one more door didn’t mean much. It only taught me to find another way, and this is how I handle my life today. Oh yes, plenty of things have gone against me and I kept knocking to get in. I was tired of being told no, I was tired of being told I wasn’t good enough, I was hurt being told I wasn’t light enough. I was just tired and yet I couldn’t let go. I pushed and pushed and watched that door close, and my heart grew, and my brain expanded for sure. I went this way and that way and sometimes I wasn’t aware of where I was. Perhaps those were the moments I traveled away in order to cope. Whatever the case was, I opened my eyes one day and realized I’d finally made it through.

Smile

I knew I was more than the challenges I faced when I opened my eyes wide and studied the mirror that I was once afraid to face. I realize that today my life is filled with humbleness, appreciation and grace. I smile as I reminisce. I have several degrees that I worked for, I even made the Dean’s List. Then I chuckle, thinking about being inducted into the Psi Chi Honor Society in Psychology. Wow, I’d never imagined that for me. I exhale and take in the unexpected air that moves through me.

I think it’s a sigh of relief, not sure, because I‘ve never felt it before. I’m excited, and I am not doing anything special; I’m happy, and I am not even celebrating. I am proud of myself as I stand here and stare. When I think of what I’ve been through and those harsh relentless nights, I exhale once more, yea, I think it’s relief. I’m so amazed at myself and I can’t stop smiling at me.

I am a black woman who had all odds against her. I never knew my father but I’m sure he knew of me. I am a woman who had no foundation. I am a woman who couldn’t see. I am a woman who was considered another statistic, but now look at me. I am standing tall, and I don’t want to hide anymore, I want the world to see me. I can’t help but feel proud and I wish you could see my smile. It’s huge and so bright and now that I think about it, it’s probably what got me through those infamous nights. Perhaps my smile was my flashlight and it helped me see what I needed to see inside of me.